The Phrase Abuse Victims Desperately Need to Hear

This content is what I learned from taking a class on abuse a couple of weeks ago. I am sharing it here to help spread awareness and knowledge about abuse and the proper response to it.  

Abuse is an epidemic in our society and the damage done can last a victim's entire life. One of the counter-intuitive aspects of abuse is that it makes the abuse victim feel like he/she is to blame. Abusers are masters at manipulation and blame-shifting. By treating their victim as if he/she was dirty, repulsive, disgraceful, and worthless, the victim often believes he/she really is dirty, repulsive, disgraceful, and worthless. Abuse victims also feel the effects of the huge burden of blame their abusers lay upon them. Therefore, the most important thing to say to an abuse victim is, your abuse is not your fault. 

To the abuse victim, your abuse is not your fault. Here's why: 

Abusers know what they are doing and choose to do it.

Abusers are often expert manipulators and know how to make their victims feel insecure, worthless, demeaned, and disgraced. They do this on purpose, choosing their words and actions to specifically inflict hurt and damage on their victim. Abusers are experts at blame-shifting and they are deeply insecure. They use demeaning others to make themselves feel in control, powerful, secure, and strong. No matter they say, abusers do not abuse "by accident" or because they "can't help it." 

The abuser alone is responsible for his actions. Abuse is the exploitation of another person and a sin against God and neighbor. It is the purposeful degradation of another person. This means the abuser is the only one responsible for his actions. It is not the abuse victim's fault. 

This quote from Justin and Lindsay Holcomb, authors of Is it My Fault?: Hope and Healing for Those Suffering Domestic Violence summarizes this point:

What happened to you was not your fault. You are not to blame. You did not deserve it. You did not ask for this. You should not be silenced. You are not worthless. You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. Nobody had the right to violate you. You are not responsible for what happened to you. You are not damaged goods. You were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect. You were the victim of assault and it was wrong. You were sinned against. Despite all the pain, healing can happen and there is hope.